If you’ve ever been with someone who seemed too good to be true, only to watch them shift and become distant or critical, you may have encountered a covert narcissist. I hadn’t even heard the term, but I knew something felt wrong. He was the perfect partner at first — attentive, affectionate, making me feel like I was the only person who mattered. I thought I’d struck gold. But as I tried to connect on a deeper level, a dark emptiness within him became clearer, one that would consume any attempts I made to bridge the gap.
At first, he placed me on a pedestal, casting me as an idealized partner who could somehow “fix” his loneliness. As the honeymoon phase faded, so did his warmth. Subtle shifts began to emerge: he’d become distant, withdrawn, almost like a stranger. I blamed myself, wondering what I’d done wrong, and tried harder to regain the affection he once showed. What I didn’t realize was that I had been cast in a role — a fantasy he’d built to escape his own pain and insecurities.
Covert narcissists create a “false self” as a shield against an overwhelming emptiness. His true self, as I learned, was a place of unresolved shame and neglect. In his mind, I was supposed to be flawless and endlessly supportive, without needs of my own. But as soon as I showed any vulnerability, any human need, that fragile illusion would break. He’d grow irritated, distant, as though I’d betrayed him simply by being real.
Living in the constant cycle of his affection and detachment was a state of emotional turmoil. Each time he’d revert to his sweet, idealizing self, I’d feel validated, as though I were finally worthy of his love. But as soon as I broke the mold, his frustration would flare, and I’d be shut out again. It was a relentless cycle of idealization and devaluation, fueled by his need to keep reality at bay. It wasn’t until I stepped away that I saw clearly: I’d never been fully seen by him. I’d only been a canvas for his own fantasy, painted over to keep his inner emptiness at bay.
Breaking free wasn’t easy; I was deeply invested in the hope of returning to that “perfect” relationship. But I realized that my own healing could only come from letting go of his fantasy and embracing my own imperfect, yet authentic, self. As Dr. Jamie, our Founder and Executive Director of STAR Network, says:
You are not a Victim — You are a STAR.
And so are you. By understanding the truth, I shed my naivety, grew stronger, and realized that my worth is real, unshaken by anyone else’s fantasy.
STAR Network Foundation is a 501(c)(3) dedicated to bringing worldwide awareness, transformation, and self-love to STARs – Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships. We are a unique foundation focused on effectively addressing this issue through support, proper CPTSD treatment, and prevention of the world’s most significant public health crisis: attachment disorder. We offers safe, neuro-regulated peer-to-peer support through TAR Anon™ — dedicated spaces for women, parents, families, and anyone seeking guidance through the complexities of Toxic Abusive Relationships. These free meetings provide invaluable support that complements therapy by empowering individuals to become their own source of healing. While not a substitute for therapy, these meetings play a crucial role in the journey toward self-care and empowerment.
Mila is a “Yugoslavian“ professional screenwriter and author who writes powerfully on various topics, focusing on TAR, Narcissism and Parental Alienation. Mila is one of the primary content creators and assists the Foundation with her business development expertise.
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