How Covert Narcissists Use ‘Flying Monkeys’ to Create Trauma and CPTSD — A Guide to Finding Support

One of the most painful tactics in covert narcissism is turning family members against you. This manipulative strategy, designed to isolate and control, often pulls loved ones into the narcissist’s web to unknowingly serve as flying monkeys — trusted people who, often without realizing, carry out the narcissist’s agenda.

For anyone healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse, understanding this tactic is crucial to reclaiming peace and support.

A close friend of mine recently experienced the heartbreak of this firsthand. After a difficult separation from his covertly narcissistic ex, they began to share custody of their young son.

Despite his efforts to co-parent and provide stability, his child became a victim of parental alienation — a painful outcome common when a narcissistic parent is involved.

My friend has fought hard, from court actions to therapy, only to find his every effort blocked or undermined. His only option now is to be a consistent, loving presence for his son.

But even that is threatened by the narcissist’s manipulation of family and friends, who have been influenced to interfere and isolate him further.

Over time, he noticed his own family members coordinating with his ex to schedule visits that clashed with his planned time with his son. Gradually, he found himself feeling isolated and abandoned by those closest to him — a deeply painful experience for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

His family, likely unaware, had become flying monkeys, unknowingly doing his ex’s bidding and further alienating him.

Understanding Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Relationships

In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are those the narcissist recruits to spread gossip, spy on, or serve as go-betweens with their victims.

Narcissists are skilled at presenting themselves as victims, twisting narratives, and recruiting allies — especially those who are empathetic or wish to keep the peace.

For my friend, his father became a flying monkey, choosing to stay in contact with the narcissist to keep access to his grandson, even if it hurt his son. His mother, seeing herself as a rescuer, started defending his ex, buying into the narcissist’s portrayal of being the reasonable parent.

Another friend, struggling with his own insecurities, sided with the narcissist, seeing it as a way to feel powerful.

Narcissists are adept at manipulating family members with seemingly innocent phrases like “I just want what’s best for our child” or “I’m trying, but he makes it so difficult.” This subtly plants seeds of doubt, gradually making family members suspicious of the actual victim instead of the narcissist.

The resulting trauma from this isolation can trigger or deepen Complex PTSD, eroding trust, self-worth, and connection to loved ones.

Why Family Members Side With Narcissists

Family members may choose to align with the narcissist for various reasons, often because it’s easier to accept the narcissist’s narrative than face a painful reality. Some may have their own unresolved issues that the narcissist skillfully exploits, leading them to betray or distance themselves from the survivor.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist who has recruited flying monkeys, here are some steps to protect your mental health and regain a sense of control:

• Set Boundaries. Limit what you share with those who seem aligned with the narcissist, even if they’re family. Not everyone deserves access to your inner life.
• Detach Emotionally. Narcissists and their allies often thrive on emotional reactions. Responding with calm, clarity, and minimal detail can lessen their hold on you.
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People. Seek out friends and allies who understand your journey, will validate your experiences, and won’t be swayed by manipulation.
• Prioritize Your Mental Health. Remember, healing comes from recognizing that your well-being and authenticity come first. Trauma recovery and healing from CPTSD are possible, especially when surrounded by genuine support.

Family loyalty can be a powerful force, but in the hands of a narcissist, it can also become a tool of manipulation and control. This isolation and betrayal can trigger deep-seated trauma, and healing from such wounds requires community and support.

Finding Community Support and Healing

For those struggling to find genuine community and healing,  STAR Network™ offers resources like TAR Anon™, a trauma-informed fellowship dedicated to supporting survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Through TAR Anon, survivors have a safe place to share their stories and learn from others who have been there. This family of choice offers compassionate support for rebuilding self-worth, resilience, and trust — away from the reach of narcissists and their flying monkeys.

If you’re experiencing the isolation, pain, and CPTSD that narcissistic abuse brings, know that you are not alone. Recovery is possible, and with the right support, you can find a path back to yourself, reconnect with those who genuinely care for you, and heal from the trauma inflicted by narcissistic manipulation.