By Dr. Jamie & Mila
My good friend finally had the chance to see his daughter after three weeks of constant back-and-forth emails with his ex-wife. He had pleaded to see his daughter earlier and for a longer period, but his ex-partner refused all of his requests. This is the reality of co-parenting with someone who has a personality disorder.He had no choice but to wait until the court-ordered dates, despite the court order stating that extra time could be arranged by mutual agreement. But the fact is, there are no agreements, compromises, or discussions when dealing with the toxic behavior associated with personality disorders.
Three weeks might not seem like a long time for a father to be separated from his child, but for a dad who loves, cares for, and constantly thinks about his child, three weeks feels like a lifetime. The feelings of powerlessness and the desire to protect his daughter are overwhelming.
When he picked her up for their biweekly weekend visit, just as he had done before moving to Belgium, it seemed like nothing had changed despite the distance. You can imagine his heart racing when she yelled, “Daddy!” and hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go. I’m sure he cried then. She excitedly chatted all the way to their weekend destination, eager to update him on everything that had happened in her life since they last saw each other. Even though they have regular, heavily monitored contact, this time they were alone—just the two of them—without her mother eavesdropping, interrupting, or disconnecting the phone line.
However, the mother’s pervasive and interfering presence loomed over their visit. This dad knew the red flags, and this time he saw several in his daughter’s behavior. This raised a terrifying question: “Will my baby become just like her mom?” After all, therapists have warned him that when a child is left with a personality-disordered parent, they may either adopt the toxic behaviors or become a doormat.
During a visit with some family friends and their children, his daughter behaved in a way he had never seen before. While his friends’ three kids were drawing together, his daughter harshly snatched the drawing from them and tore it to pieces. When he asked why she did that, she coldly replied, “Because I don’t like it! So I will show them how to do it properly!”
The father, stressed and heartbroken, told his daughter that her behavior was unacceptable and demanded that she apologize immediately. She defiantly responded that she hadn’t done anything wrong and would never apologize.
After arriving at their accommodations, the father grounded his daughter. Despite the punishment, she still couldn’t see how hurtful her actions had been. The next day, she remained convinced her behavior was appropriate. It suddenly—and sadly—dawned on my friend that his daughter could not distinguish right from wrong.
Her mother, who came from a damaged childhood, was never taught boundaries and therefore could never teach her own child about boundaries, compassion, empathy, or accountability. This laid the foundation for the conflict between the parents.
My friend has tried to raise his daughter with respect, teaching her to recognize others’ needs, to be compassionate, to listen, and to think before speaking. He also encouraged her to follow basic rules like going to bed on time, making her bed in the morning, and putting dirty clothes in the laundry—guidelines that would bring structure and help her take control of her life and environment.
None of this was happening at her mother’s house; there were no boundaries. And make no mistake, it will never change. Personality disorders are just that: disorders.
His 10-year-old daughter told him that she would only brush her teeth after watching TV until midnight and would only make her bed if they went for the pancakes she demanded.
Children raised by parents with personality disorders have few or no boundaries. Early childhood trauma occurs when a child is consistently guilt-tripped and manipulated by their disordered parent, learning the same maladaptive techniques that turn trauma into narcissistic behavior. The child grows up thinking it’s normal to manipulate others to get what they want.
When my friend tried to talk to his daughter about boundaries, respect, and communication, she shut down completely. It was impossible to get a word out of her.
Some children in these situations go to the opposite extreme and build emotional walls, preventing anyone from getting close to them. After hearing so many lies about the other parent, it’s no wonder trust becomes nonexistent.
Some children dissociate to protect themselves from the abuse they’ve experienced. Raised by a toxic parent, a child—an emotional sponge—absorbs unhealthy behaviors and communication strategies to survive. Over time, the child either shuts down or adopts the traits of the toxic parent.
During the seven days my friend spent with his daughter, he realized how much his child needed his help to become a healthy adult. Despite being very present in her life, he didn’t recognize her for the first five days of their visit. He was deeply saddened to see that she:
- Constantly talked over others, monopolizing conversations
- Made every conversation about herself
- Ignored discussions about important topics like behavior, feelings, and friendships
But it’s not the child’s fault. There are no bad children, only bad parents. On the seventh day, the emotional wall finally cracked. My friend’s beloved daughter confided in him, saying she felt unloved, undeserving of happiness, that she was a loser, that she deserved to die, and that everything bad that happened was her fault.
She needs her father to help her heal, but before he can do that, he must first heal himself. He should have been in therapy to process the psychological torment he’s endured.
Without appropriate therapeutic intervention, his child risks developing a personality disorder or becoming a codependent people-pleaser, viewing the world in black and white, or becoming a chameleon instead of an independent adult capable of authenticity. She will continue to blame herself for everything that goes wrong and will always have her mother’s demotivating voice in her head.
Her father, with the right therapy and healing, can become a positive voice in her head, offering her an alternative path she can one day choose.
As he left to return to Belgium, my friend committed to being the corrective emotional parent his child needs by starting his own recovery journey for his CPTSD. He committed to healing himself, becoming a beacon of light that will help both him and his daughter become the best versions of themselves.
He will continue to be there for her, helping her cope with trauma as he learns to help his own inner child do the same. Together, they will recover. He will never give up.
If you have children, never give up. You might lose many battles, but you will not lose the war. But always remember, you can never ask your child to do or be anything that you have not done for yourself.
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TAR Anon™ is a global fellowship and a program of the TAR Network, a 501(c)(3) charity, dedicated to supporting STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships). Whether you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, trauma, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), TAR Anon™ offers a safe and supportive community for your healing journey. Join our meetings every Monday and Wednesday at 6 PM EDT on www.taranon.org.
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