How Narcissists Can Turn Your Family Against You

— Dr. Jamie Huysman Founder ED and Milena Stankovic Co-Founder —

The bonds of family should be unshakable, offering support and love in even the toughest times. Yet, when a narcissist enters the picture, they can manipulate and fracture these ties, leaving you feeling isolated and betrayed.

One of my closest friends experienced this firsthand. He was in a relationship with a covert narcissist, and though their relationship ended, they share custody of their son. 

Tragically, his child has become a victim of parental alienation – a form of emotional abuse where one parent manipulates the child into rejecting the other parent.

Despite my friend’s best efforts – seeking therapy for his son and pursuing court action – he’s left to fight this battle alone. 

His focus now is to be a loving, nurturing role model for his child, hoping to counteract the toxic influence.

However, his challenges are compounded by another painful realization: his own family has been co-opted by the narcissist.

In this article, you’ll discover how narcissists manipulate your family and friends to work against you, why even loving families may fall for their tactics, and, most importantly, actionable steps to protect yourself and rebuild your support system. 

Keep reading to learn how to navigate these challenges and take back control of your life.

How Narcissists Use “Flying Monkeys” to Manipulate?

Narcissists often employ a tactic called “flying monkeys” or abuse by proxy. This involves recruiting others – often people close to you – to do their dirty work. 

These individuals may gather information about you, spread falsehoods, or support the narcissist’s narrative. 

Interestingly, the term “flying monkeys” has its origins in The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch commands her winged servants to carry out her bidding.

They were loyal, unquestioning enforcers of her will. In Wicked (2024 movie), the prequel to The Wizard of Oz, the backstory of the flying monkeys is explored, revealing how they were created and manipulated into serving the Wicked Witch.

This deeper understanding gives their actions in the original story a tragic complexity—they didn’t have a choice.

Similarly, in real life, the flying monkeys of a narcissist often don’t realize they’re being used. The narcissist cleverly plays the victim, portraying you as the aggressor while planting seeds of doubt in your closest relationships.

Here’s how they do it:

1. Testing Family Ties: From the start, narcissists evaluate how strong your family bonds are.
2. Manipulative Phrases: They make comments like, “I just want our child to have a father, but he doesn’t seem interested,” to paint themselves as a saint.
3. Exploiting Weak Links: Narcissists identify the most vulnerable members of your family or friend group—those prone to guilt, drama, or insecurity—and use them to create division.

Just like the Wicked Witch’s flying monkeys, these individuals unknowingly become tools for the narcissist’s manipulation, leaving you feeling alone, betrayed, and emotionally drained.

Related topic: How Covert Narcissists Use ‘Flying Monkeys’ to Create Trauma and CPTSD.

Why Your Family May Fall for the Narcissist’s Manipulation

Even loving families can become entangled in the narcissist’s web. My friend’s parents, for example, had their reasons:

• Fear of Losing Access to the Grandchild: His father maintained a relationship with the narcissist, hoping it would secure his place in his grandson’s life.
• A Rescuer Mentality: His mother, shaped by her own struggles as a single parent, sympathized with the narcissist and sought to “help.”
• Hidden Narcissistic Traits: Even close friends may reveal narcissistic tendencies, such as competitiveness or manipulation, and side with the abuser.

How to Protect Yourself and Your Children?

Dealing with narcissistic abuse and parental alienation is a warzone, but you can reclaim your peace and sanity with these steps:

1. Detach from Flying Monkeys: Let go of relationships that have been weaponized against you.
2. Avoid Justifying or Explaining: Narcissists thrive on drama; don’t fuel the fire by trying to change others’ perspectives.
3. Create a New Support System: Surround yourself with people or community who truly care about your well-being.
4. Focus on Your Children: Be the stable, loving parent they need, no matter how difficult it feels.

Take Back Control with STAR Network and TAR Anon

You’re not alone in this battle. If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse or are navigating the emotional turmoil of parental alienation, STAR Network™ and TAR Anon™ are here to help.

TAR Anon™ is a global fellowship offering trauma-informed recovery in a safe, supportive environment. 

Whether online or in-person, TAR Anon helps survivors build self-love, regulate emotions, and transform their lives.

Join a community that understands your struggle and is committed to your healing. Together, we can overcome the pain of toxic relationships and reclaim our lives.

Join STAR Network family to learn more about our life-changing programs and become part of a movement dedicated to recovery and renewal.

Let’s turn your pain into power.